01
“We got five rings.”
Your primary argument predates smartphones, streaming, and several members of the current roster.
CASE FILES
Grounds for immediate relocation review
Any one of these may trigger an investigation. Multiple violations may result in a strongly worded website.
02
Born in the DMV.
You grew up nowhere near North Texas and somehow chose this life anyway. The board has questions.
03
“This is our year.”
Repeated annual use of this phrase will be documented and may be used against you next January.
04
Never lived in Texas.
Lifetime Dallas fan. Zero Texas addresses. A remarkable commitment to making things harder on yourself.
05
“America’s Team.”
Self-reporting this phrase inside the Beltway automatically forwards your file to senior management.
06
Still talking about the ’90s.
Your VHS tapes and championship memories may accompany you to Dallas at no additional charge.
OFFICIAL* SCREENING
Dallas Fan Relocation Assessment
Answer honestly. Our highly unqualified review board will determine whether you may continue residing in Washington football territory.
*Not official in any meaningful sense.
STATUS
PUBLIC SERVICE TOOL
Issue a relocation notice
Got a Dallas fan in your life who needs to hear the truth? Generate a personalized notice, share it, or email it directly to them.
EMAIL DELIVERY
Digital relocation paperwork is almost ready.
For now, generate the notice and use the Share Notice button below.
EMAIL IT TO THEM
One-time parody delivery only. No mailing-list signup.
DMV FOOTBALL RESIDENCY OFFICE
NOTICE OF
RELOCATION
RELOCATION
CASE NO. TYPATD-00000
NAME PENDING
LOCATION PENDING
Primary offense:
A Dallas-related violation will appear here.
You are hereby instructed to take your punk ass to Dallas.
This notice has no legal authority whatsoever. Unfortunately.
ADVANCED EXCUSE ANALYTICS
Dallas Fan Excuse Generator
Our database now contains an irresponsibly large supply of excuses. It cycles through them without repeating until the bag is exhausted.
YOUR OFFICIAL EXCUSE:
“Click the button. We’ll handle the rest.”
TRANSLATION:
A Dallas fan is preparing the paperwork before anything has even happened.
GEOGRAPHY LESSON
Dallas is actually down here.
We checked. It is not in Maryland, Virginia, D.C., New Jersey, New York, or your uncle’s basement. It is a real city in Texas. If you love it that much, we have excellent news.
↘
THIS ONE.
The city. The whole point of the website.
OFFICIAL* RELOCATION MAP
SCOUTING REPORT
The DMV Dallas Fan Field Guide
A scientific-ish reference for identifying a Dallas fan in the wild.
Volume
Will explain the entire franchise history to you at a cookout nobody asked them to turn into First Take.
Proximity to Dallas
Born in Prince George’s County. Raised in Woodbridge. Has never knowingly crossed the Texas state line.
Annual confidence
Every August begins with “bro, this team is DIFFERENT.” Every January ends with an investigation into the refs.
1990s references
Can produce a championship statistic from 1995 faster than they can name the current backup left guard.
Bandwagon flexibility
Often also likes the Yankees, Lakers, Duke basketball, and whatever soccer club just won the Champions League.
January durability
Extremely loud through Thanksgiving. Noticeably harder to locate after the postseason begins.
THE BULLET SPORTS GROUP BLOG
Important journalism about unserious people
Hard-hitting analysis of Dallas fandom, Washington football, and other matters of national importance.
INVESTIGATION
We Found Dallas. It Was in Texas the Whole Time.
After years of observing Cowboys jerseys in D.C., Maryland and Virginia, our research team made a stunning discovery: Dallas is not actually located anywhere near the Capital Beltway.
Sources confirm Interstate 35, brisket and several million actual Texans have been there for quite some time. This raises an urgent question for local Dallas fans: if the star means that much to you, why are you still yelling about it from a townhouse off Route 1?
CULTURE
Why Is Every Dallas Fan So Loud?
Nobody has ever whispered “America’s Team.” The phrase must be delivered at maximum volume, preferably while someone else is talking.
Researchers believe the volume is defensive. If you say “five rings” loudly enough, there is a chance nobody will ask what happened last January. This technique is especially effective at family functions, sports bars and group chats.
BEHAVIORAL SCIENCE
The Bandwagon Starter Pack
Cowboys hat. Yankees fitted. Lakers hoodie. A mysterious childhood connection to whichever college football team is ranked No. 1.
Bonus points if the explanation begins with “my cousin liked them when I was six.” We respect childhood loyalty. We are simply asking why childhood loyalty somehow selected the most nationally televised teams in every sport.
TRADITION
“This Is Our Year”: America’s Longest-Running Seasonal Program
The leaves change. Pumpkin spice returns. Dallas fans announce that this team feels different.
The ceremony typically begins after a convincing preseason drive and continues until the exact moment someone has to explain why a 12-win season still ended in a living room argument about play calling.
EMERGENCY USE ONLY
When All Else Fails, Break Glass and Say “Five Rings.”
A timeless verbal escape hatch for any conversation involving present-day football.
Down 17? Five rings. Lost the division? Five rings. Somebody asks about the last three playoff exits? Please remain calm while a championship won before Wi-Fi is deployed into the discussion.
PUBLIC SAFETY
How to Survive a Dallas Fan in Your Group Chat
Step one: mute notifications after a Week 3 win. Step two: do not engage with screenshots of power rankings.
Most importantly, save every August prediction. The group-chat ecosystem depends on responsible recordkeeping. Screenshots are the natural predator of revisionist history.
LIKE THIS NONSENSE?
Follow Bullet Sports Group.
Washington football posts, league-wide arguments, bad jokes, good takes, and content specifically designed to irritate Dallas fans.
BULLET SPORTS GROUP
If this made you laugh, follow the crew at the top. We post Washington football chaos for a living.
Follow the crew ↑
A MESSAGE TO DALLAS FANS
PACK LIGHT.
The website is free. Transportation is your responsibility.